Is Working Together Ever a Good Idea?

couple shadowWhen the news came out about Dooce blogger Heather Armstrong separating from her husband Jon, I really felt sad for them and their family. Heather wrote about it on Dooce in such a way it will bring tears to your eyes. Jon's post on Blurbomat cannot be read without feeling the sadness either. He says how Heather has asked him to find work outside of Armstrong Media, the empire they built together.

Two people who have children and loved, lived, and worked together are now ending their relationship. It's a dangerous thing to work with your partner, but it could also be a fantastic thing. Could Armstrong Media have reached the success they did if Heather and Jon weren't a team? Hard to say, of course, but the drive and passion they had for it must have been unparalleled, beyond intimate, something you can't find from an employee or employer.

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But the risks of working together might be too great to ignore.

I've worked with a boyfriend once -- for a larger company. We would take lunches and be able to commute together -- I loved that. Though we weren't directly involved with each other at work since we were in different departments. We also didn't seek out working together. That's where we met. And also ended up breaking up. I avoided the floor he worked on as much as possible in those early days, but eventually we were able to be friends. I even attended his engagement party ... to another former work colleague. Strange, wonderful world we live in. But we weren't married. We did live together, but there weren't kids involved (just a cat). Breaking up meant a moving van was needed. He ended up getting a better job (which I helped him get by connecting him with my former colleague and friend who he ended up marrying). I love that I had a tiny, tiny part in that love connection. So that breakup ended fine. Our work situations weren't affected much, and we were able to move on.

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I feel like I just overshared. But that's what we do -- what bloggers do. And why Heather and Jon both blogged about their separation, leaving us feeling sad, hoping the best for them to get through this. And it also has us reflecting on our own lives. Our own thoughts on if it's worth the risk of working with our significant other. I think Jon leaving Armstrong Media is a big deal, not just for the marriage but for the business. I've heard that in our lives, we often have at least one thing a bit amiss -- either our love life, our family life, or our work life. Having all three of these things in disarray is a great challenge. I wish them the best as they work this out, whatever the outcome.

But I also think that "all in" mentality is incredibly romantic. Working, living, loving, raising a family together -- who cares about the what ifs if the right now is going really well? We can't live in fear of the what ifs. Until they happen. If they happen. And if the unthinkable happens, then we find a way to work it out. Because we have to.

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I guess it all depends.

Would you work with your husband? Have you and have any stories to share?

Written by Michele Zipp on CafeMom's blog, The Stir.

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User Post: Straight Talk: When Google Reveals Too Much About You

Image via IStockPhoto.comQuestion: I know that just about everybody Googles their dates before going out with them the first time. Unfortunately, when you Google me, the first search result is a photo where I'm showing, how shall I put it, way too much skin. My ex took the photo (we thought it was hot) and later posted it (he was hot under the collar). My question is this: Do I try to explain the photo to a new date before we even go out? Wait for him to bring it up? Pretend I don't know it's there?

Answer: Let me start by reminding you of First Date Rule Number 1: "Don't invite your skeletons along too soon - they make for a crowded evening." Whether it's your involvement with AA, a prison record, or a long history of psychotherapy, keep hot topics in the closet until you've established some intimacy or connection. It's all about gradual disclosure. That's not bad manners, it's just good sense.

But in your case, you may (and should) break that coda because of First Date Rule Number 2: "When meeting someone for the first time, assume that you will be Googled - and pretend that you haven't Googled them." Your photo is no ordinary skeleton, if only because it's just a click or two away. Sometime early on in the date, cop to the reality without being defensive: "There's something that I'd like to explain to you. You may have seen a nude photo of me on the Internet, which was posted by an ex of mine. I've certainly learned a lot since then." If you want to try some humor, add this: "It's really amazing what Photoshop can do for a guy." After that it's really up to him to decide whether to let it go, or let you go.

I decided to check in with Mr. Manners' resident shrink, Dr. Larry Tonberg Edwards, a clinical psychologist with a LGBT practice in Oakland, California, to get his always-surprising point of view. He did not disappoint:

"We all bring a history to the table and revealing the foibles of one's past is an authentic way of sharing imperfection. It's also a means of quickly discovering important information about your potential partner's character. Their response to your candor will reveal qualities of empathy, forgiveness, irony, and humor (or not!), which are indispensable in the forging of a romantic relationship."

Then, it's time to go on the offensive since you can take action to push that revealing photo further down on the search page. This is not only wise when it comes to romantic prospects, but also it's just as important when it comes to job or apartment hunting. (You really don't want someone from HR finding that picture when running a quick search on your name, now do you?) The trick is to create alternate pages that Google will deem even more relevant to your name than your risqué photo. As those pages rise to the top, they'll push the photo down - perhaps even into the ignominy of the second page of results.

A good place to start is by setting up profiles on major services like YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. Those pages tend to do very well in search results and could take the top slot pretty quickly. If you can buy the domain for your name and create a little site for yourself, that's even better. The site will also rank higher than a mere photo in search results and will also push down any offending blog posts, tweets, or videos. Just look what happened to Rick Santorum: Thanks to Dan Savage's heroic efforts, searching for "Santorum" still points to the decidedly un-Republican site called spreadingsantorum.com, which carries the word's "frothy" definition.

And you thought your photo was a bad link.

If you want to speed things along, there are also a number of online companies, such as Reputation.com, that will (for a fee) help suppress "negative content" because as that site notes: "People aren't just searching for you, they're judging you." I wouldn't be surprised if they're working with Mr. Santorum right now.

This column originally was published on Advocate.com.

Steven Petrow is the author of Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and can be found online at www.gaymanners.com. Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com or contact him on Facebook and Twitter.

The Real Reason Women Want to Cuddle After Sex is Bad News for Lazy Men

unmade bedTo cuddle after sex -- or to sleep, perchance to dream? That is the question researchers at the University of Michigan and Albright College in Pennsylvania asked. And they found out that when one partner falls asleep first, the lover who stays awake is left craving more bonding and affection.

Lead researcher Dan Kruger says, "The more one's partner was likely to fall asleep after sex, the stronger the desire for bonding." And it's not always the guys sawing logs right after sex and the women who want to cuddle -- the research shows men are just as likely to crave post-woo-hoo cuddling as women. But is it cuddling we want -- or satisfaction?

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Right after reading about this study, I couldn't help thinking about comedian Louis CK's latest concert video where he talks about cuddling after sex. He says it's something women do when their lovers are lousy. They're left lying next to the man, thinking: Is that it?!? THERE HAS TO BE MORE!!! Hence the cuddling. As Louis puts it, "If you did it right, she'll leave you alone."

Maybe it's just because I've been married since the Triassic period, but I tend to agree with Louis. "Doing it right" is a form of intimacy. It takes a lot of communication and connection. You know, bonding-type stuff. And then you both get to rest. I'm all for the post-coital roll over and snooze routine. Why? I'll leave that to your imagination. Plus I'm married to a talker so I hear all about his feelings all day long.

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But regardless, the study is food for thought. What do people really want when their partners fall asleep right after sex? Why is emotional bonding such an important part of sex for so many people, male and female? And in the movie When Harry Met Sally, is Sally right to be angry when Harry asks, "How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home?" The world may never know.

Are you a cuddler, or do you fall asleep right after sex?

Image via scarycurlgirl_photos/Flickr

Written by Adriana Velez on CafeMom's blog, The Stir.

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Woman Gets Famous by Throwing Herself at Men. Literally.

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"I Throw Myself on Men." That's not an admission, it's the brainchild of Lilly McElroy, an artist who spent the last two years hurling her body at strangers of the opposite sex. Now the photographic evidence is on display in galleries around the country and around the web. So maybe it's not such a bad thing after all (ahem, mom).

What's so Bad About Open Marriage?

What's so bad about open marriage?

Newt Gingrich's ex-wife is making headlines today saying he asked her for an open marriage before their divorce.

While that seems like a slimy request from a cheater trying to wiggle out of having betrayed his wife, Newt's not alone in wanting non-monogamy. Anywhere from 1% to 10% of couples are living intentionally non-monogamous lives.

My husband and I are among them, and we're pretty happy with our arrangement.

Tonight after we tuck the kids in, my husband will kiss me goodnight and head over to his girlfriend's house. It's not a secret or a problem; that's just how our marriage works. We both have other partners.

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I don't know what we'd do without them. Our friends and family are wonderful, but it's my girlfriend I call when I need a ride to the hospital with a sick kid. There's something about the intimacy of a romantic relationship that makes me feel better about asking her if I can bring my vomiting child in her car.

I don't know how monogamous couples do it.

Of course everyone has their own unique support systems, and you don't have to sleep with someone to build strong bonds of love and trust. I know most people prefer monogamy as the best way to get that bond of trust with their partner.

Some people do prefer non-monogamy, though, and for them it's a perfectly fine option. Going out on a date with my girlfriend doesn't cause any more drama around here than going out to my book club. Being honest and relaxed about desires outside my marriage makes my partnership with my husband closer and more authentic.

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My marriage started out open, and has always been honest. I can't imagine being in Newt's lying cheating shoes, trying to piece together an open marriage in the wreckage of an affair. I know about half of married people cheat at some point in their lives, so plenty of people must go through that scenario.

What do you think? Are you shocked that Newt might have asked his ex-wife for an open marriage? Would you consider it yourself?

- By Sierra Black

For 9 ways to spice up your relationship, visit Babble!

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Is Sharing a Bed Ruining Your Relationship?

Photo: Thinkstock

By Corrie Pikul

When it comes to quality shut-eye, research has shown that women are the sleepless sex. They tend to have a harder time falling asleep than men and are more easily startled or jostled awake. Despite this, more women than men claim they're loath to give up spending the night at their partner's side. Here are the most common co-sleeping issues women have, and how to solve them.

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"It drives me crazy how he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow."

"Men can fall asleep faster, almost anywhere, and have fewer complaints about the quality of their sleep," says John Dittami, an Austria-based sleep researcher and co-author of the recent book Sleeping Better Together. One possible explanation has to do with sex hormones, which affect how long we sleep overall and the amount of time we spend in each stage. Women's levels of estrogen and progesterone tend to fluctuate, especially during menstruation, pregnancy and menopause. Dittami says it's important for each member of a couple to focus on his or her own go-to-sleep routines. If yours involves reading in bed, look for a gooseneck light with a focused, just-strong-enough beam, because even a small amount of diffuse light can disrupt your partner, according to Dittami. Leave the iPad and laptop, with their sleep-inhibiting blue glow, in the other room. Because sleeping men tend to be less sensitive to movement, Dittami says you don't need to worry about waking him when you climb into bed.

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"His snuggling-while sweet-makes it hard for me to fall asleep."

While researching their book, Dittami and his co-authors found that for couples, spending time together in bed (talking, touching, snuggling) is an extremely important aspect of a relationship. But most of us try to combine this together time with sleeping time, and that's where things get tricky. "Sleeping is an individual thing. It's not a duet," Dittami says. He advises separating the two phases of the night and setting aside time for pillow talk or cuddling (or both at once) before you move to opposite sides of the mattress. "We have this Hollywood idea where the couple goes to bed at the exact same time, with the woman falling asleep snuggled under the arm of the male," Dittami says. Not only does this rarely happen in real life, but, he points out, few women would be comfortable with their neck cramping in their partner's armpit.

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"He gets so warm that I feel like I'm sharing the bed with a space heater."

You aren't imagining things: Men have a higher core body temperature, which is due in part to their thyroid function and testosterone levels, says Dittami. As your own body temperature falls just before bedtime, you might enjoy cozying up next to a warm partner. But this can get uncomfortable later in the night, especially if he starts sweating. He may feel damp, and he'll be more likely to emit pheromones that can keep you up (this is not to say he stinks; we're just sensitive to certain odors when we sleep). Dittami says he's heard of female patients starting off in warm pajamas and then shedding layers as the night continues and their temperature changes. Another idea is to put a cool pillow barrier between the two of you to block some of his body heat.

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"Him: one thin cotton sheet. Me: a multilayered down cocoon."

"Using one blanket for two people just isn't conductive to sleep," Dittami says. Not only will it make you hyperaware of your partner's tugs and kicks, but it will amplify the heat. Dittami says that in Europe it's common for couples to use separate covers in bed. In fact, this is what he's found to work for him and his wife. Each has their own layered tiramisu of blankets. "It works like a peace treaty," he says.

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"His tossing and turning feels like a mini-earthquake."

Men and women move about the same amount in bed, but women are more sensitive to their partner's movements. Even if he doesn't flop into bed "like a sumo wrestler" (as one woman described her husband's nightly ritual), his sudden movements may wake you. "Sleep gates," as researchers call them, tend to come up every 90 minutes or so, and that's when we're more susceptible to being yanked awake. If your partner happens to do something noisy, startling or disruptive during this time, and especially if it lasts longer than a minute or two, you may find yourself staring at the ceiling (or at him) in frustration. As mentioned, separate blankets can help, but if his jostling is a big problem, you may want to consider a new mattress-or two of them. Sleep researchers suggest that couples invest in approximately 71 inches of mattress (which allows sleepers to stay about an arm's length away from each other, says Dittami); American king sizes are 76 inches. Memory-foam mattresses are best for minimizing bounce, according to Sleeping Better Together, and a split-king mattress (two long twin mattresses set side by side in the same foundation) will mean you'll barely notice each other-but can also make it challenging when you want to get close.

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10 Signs He's Definitely in Love with You

If only we could peek into the minds of our significant others and see what they really think of us. Oh wait, maybe not. Either way, it would be nice if our dates came with Magic 8 Balls or Ouija boards to help decipher their behavior, wouldn't it?

Sometimes, we simply have to guess at what our significant other is thinking, which can be particularly difficult at the start of a relationship when you're just getting to know each other.

So let's decode what he means and figure out if he's in love with you! Here are 10 signs that he's in love with you. Yes you!

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1. He smiles at you. Not just when he's trying to get some.

2. He talks to you for a long, LONG time. Guys aren't usually big talkers ... until they find someone they care about.

3. He cuddles you up. When a guy doesn't love a girl, he won't cuddle her up. When he does, you know there's something there.

4. He genuinely cares about you. He wants to know all about you, your likes and dislikes, your favorite dinner, what makes you laugh.

5. He goes out of his way for you. That extra mile is nothing if it makes you happy.

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6. Those quirks you find annoying, well, he thinks they're awesome. So what if you hate that you go crazy without having enough hand-soap, or have a Diet Coke habit worthy of an intervention? He thinks you're great just as you are.

7. The chemistry is incredible. You're both on the same page, you think alike, and when you're together, the heat is incredible.

8. He loves spending time with you. It doesn't matter what you're doing, so long as you're together.

9. He'll compromise for you. Sure, you both want things your own way, but suddenly, he's willing to cave on things that once mattered.

10. He starts making plans for the future. With you.

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How do you know that your significant other loves you?

Image via KSDigital/Flickr

Written by Aunt Becky on CafeMom's blog, The Stir.

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