Is Working Together Ever a Good Idea?

couple shadowWhen the news came out about Dooce blogger Heather Armstrong separating from her husband Jon, I really felt sad for them and their family. Heather wrote about it on Dooce in such a way it will bring tears to your eyes. Jon's post on Blurbomat cannot be read without feeling the sadness either. He says how Heather has asked him to find work outside of Armstrong Media, the empire they built together.

Two people who have children and loved, lived, and worked together are now ending their relationship. It's a dangerous thing to work with your partner, but it could also be a fantastic thing. Could Armstrong Media have reached the success they did if Heather and Jon weren't a team? Hard to say, of course, but the drive and passion they had for it must have been unparalleled, beyond intimate, something you can't find from an employee or employer.

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But the risks of working together might be too great to ignore.

I've worked with a boyfriend once -- for a larger company. We would take lunches and be able to commute together -- I loved that. Though we weren't directly involved with each other at work since we were in different departments. We also didn't seek out working together. That's where we met. And also ended up breaking up. I avoided the floor he worked on as much as possible in those early days, but eventually we were able to be friends. I even attended his engagement party ... to another former work colleague. Strange, wonderful world we live in. But we weren't married. We did live together, but there weren't kids involved (just a cat). Breaking up meant a moving van was needed. He ended up getting a better job (which I helped him get by connecting him with my former colleague and friend who he ended up marrying). I love that I had a tiny, tiny part in that love connection. So that breakup ended fine. Our work situations weren't affected much, and we were able to move on.

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I feel like I just overshared. But that's what we do -- what bloggers do. And why Heather and Jon both blogged about their separation, leaving us feeling sad, hoping the best for them to get through this. And it also has us reflecting on our own lives. Our own thoughts on if it's worth the risk of working with our significant other. I think Jon leaving Armstrong Media is a big deal, not just for the marriage but for the business. I've heard that in our lives, we often have at least one thing a bit amiss -- either our love life, our family life, or our work life. Having all three of these things in disarray is a great challenge. I wish them the best as they work this out, whatever the outcome.

But I also think that "all in" mentality is incredibly romantic. Working, living, loving, raising a family together -- who cares about the what ifs if the right now is going really well? We can't live in fear of the what ifs. Until they happen. If they happen. And if the unthinkable happens, then we find a way to work it out. Because we have to.

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I guess it all depends.

Would you work with your husband? Have you and have any stories to share?

Written by Michele Zipp on CafeMom's blog, The Stir.

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Image via thurlbut/Flickr

User Post: Straight Talk: When Google Reveals Too Much About You

Image via IStockPhoto.comQuestion: I know that just about everybody Googles their dates before going out with them the first time. Unfortunately, when you Google me, the first search result is a photo where I'm showing, how shall I put it, way too much skin. My ex took the photo (we thought it was hot) and later posted it (he was hot under the collar). My question is this: Do I try to explain the photo to a new date before we even go out? Wait for him to bring it up? Pretend I don't know it's there?

Answer: Let me start by reminding you of First Date Rule Number 1: "Don't invite your skeletons along too soon - they make for a crowded evening." Whether it's your involvement with AA, a prison record, or a long history of psychotherapy, keep hot topics in the closet until you've established some intimacy or connection. It's all about gradual disclosure. That's not bad manners, it's just good sense.

But in your case, you may (and should) break that coda because of First Date Rule Number 2: "When meeting someone for the first time, assume that you will be Googled - and pretend that you haven't Googled them." Your photo is no ordinary skeleton, if only because it's just a click or two away. Sometime early on in the date, cop to the reality without being defensive: "There's something that I'd like to explain to you. You may have seen a nude photo of me on the Internet, which was posted by an ex of mine. I've certainly learned a lot since then." If you want to try some humor, add this: "It's really amazing what Photoshop can do for a guy." After that it's really up to him to decide whether to let it go, or let you go.

I decided to check in with Mr. Manners' resident shrink, Dr. Larry Tonberg Edwards, a clinical psychologist with a LGBT practice in Oakland, California, to get his always-surprising point of view. He did not disappoint:

"We all bring a history to the table and revealing the foibles of one's past is an authentic way of sharing imperfection. It's also a means of quickly discovering important information about your potential partner's character. Their response to your candor will reveal qualities of empathy, forgiveness, irony, and humor (or not!), which are indispensable in the forging of a romantic relationship."

Then, it's time to go on the offensive since you can take action to push that revealing photo further down on the search page. This is not only wise when it comes to romantic prospects, but also it's just as important when it comes to job or apartment hunting. (You really don't want someone from HR finding that picture when running a quick search on your name, now do you?) The trick is to create alternate pages that Google will deem even more relevant to your name than your risqué photo. As those pages rise to the top, they'll push the photo down - perhaps even into the ignominy of the second page of results.

A good place to start is by setting up profiles on major services like YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. Those pages tend to do very well in search results and could take the top slot pretty quickly. If you can buy the domain for your name and create a little site for yourself, that's even better. The site will also rank higher than a mere photo in search results and will also push down any offending blog posts, tweets, or videos. Just look what happened to Rick Santorum: Thanks to Dan Savage's heroic efforts, searching for "Santorum" still points to the decidedly un-Republican site called spreadingsantorum.com, which carries the word's "frothy" definition.

And you thought your photo was a bad link.

If you want to speed things along, there are also a number of online companies, such as Reputation.com, that will (for a fee) help suppress "negative content" because as that site notes: "People aren't just searching for you, they're judging you." I wouldn't be surprised if they're working with Mr. Santorum right now.

This column originally was published on Advocate.com.

Steven Petrow is the author of Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and can be found online at www.gaymanners.com. Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com or contact him on Facebook and Twitter.